Deep Dive Series: The Power of No Through Vulnerability
By Tana M. Mann Easton, Lead Efficiency Engineer
Sometimes we lie about the real reason we say no to requests or invitations. For example, picture a group of friends in high school. They all love going to concerts and bond over attending shows together. One of the friends starts declining invitations to concerts saying she’s busy. After a handful of these declined invitations, the friends start to wonder if they did something wrong. They go to the friend and ask if they offended her in some way, and instead of lying again, the friend gets vulnerable. She confides in her friends that she would like to go to the concerts with them but one of her parents lost a job and her family doesn’t have the money to help her go to shows anymore. Her friends finally understand why she was saying no, and they rally around her. They decide to look for more free shows so they can all attend, have dance parties together in their homes, and pool money together to treat their friend to a concert with all of them for her birthday. The no through vulnerability deepens the friendship and helps them pivot so that everyone can be included.
Or imagine we have two adult friends. One of them just moved into a house with a pool and asks for the other friend to come over to enjoy the pool. The friend always seems to be too busy to come over to the pool. Eventually, the pool owner goes over to their friend’s house and asks if they’re trying to avoid them for some reason. The “busy” friend confesses that they aren’t busy, but they don’t feel confident in a swimsuit. The pool friend thanks them for their vulnerability, affirms that they just want to hang out, and they set a date for a walk in the park in a couple of weeks, which they are both comfortable doing.
Vulnerability and exposing a possibly painful truth about your life can feel scary. I wouldn’t necessarily be vulnerable with a stranger. But if you find yourself lying to people you trust, then perhaps some vulnerability and telling them the truth behind your no is in order. Your vulnerability and letting them into your inner sanctum of trust may deepen the relationship; alternatives that work for everyone may be discovered; or at the very least, the requests will probably stop, eliminating the need to lie.
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Sincerely Yours,
Focus to Evolve Team