Deep Dive Series: The Power of No – Don’t Consent and Resent
By Tana M. Mann Easton, Lead Efficiency Engineer
I’m sure we’ve all said yes to requests that we’ve resented later. Maybe we agreed to change the location of a meeting to a place that is easier to accommodate for our guest but now makes our own day almost impossible. Maybe we consented to having a gathering at our home knowing that we always end up doing all the cleaning up after such gatherings. Maybe we agree to carpool multiple families’ kids to and from soccer games and get upset that no one offers any money for gas. Whatever the request, it’s best to not consent and resent.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Would you want to be resented, to have someone mad at you, especially for something about which you have no idea? I think most of us would say that we would rather hear what we are doing to bother the other person and see if there’s a way to fix it to maintain a good relationship. I know I would.
So in the examples above, if I already have a very active day and the location for a meeting makes my day unmanageable, then I either need to counter with another location or another date in order to make it work for both of us. In the gathering example, I explain that I don’t want to clean up after the gathering alone so we either hire people to come clean up, others agree to volunteer their help, or the gathering needs to be held somewhere else. And for carpooling, ask for some gas money from the other parents or say no and let other families pick up the carpooling duties for a while (and you send money with your child to help them out).
To consent and resent breeds animosity, which is relationship destroying. If you value the relationship with those you’re resenting, try saying no outright or to the parts of a plan that you know don’t align with what you need and want.
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Sincerely Yours,
Focus to Evolve Team